The Love I Lost

There came a summer when I was very high off of romance and the spontaneous meet ups and calls. There came a summer when I found a new and invigorating a love. A love that was focused on myself and the growth I would finally have. There came a summer when I fell head over heels for the girl in the mirror with the green eyes and chocolate skin. 

-Hurma

These past few years have taught me to be the first supporter in any decision I make. To accept the struggles I would come across, and allow it to build me up. The other day at Uni, two women and myself sat down for what felt like hours -talking about the triumphs we endured. It wasn't an hour filled with sad stories, but a reflection of the love we each developed for ourselves through our experiences. Being able to forgive someone for ourselves.

Being able to look at a nude frame regardless of the scars, and see someone extremely strong and beautiful. Someone that had once allowed others to tell her what she was, but now focused solely on her own beliefs. 

It's funny how we as women go through a cycle of trying to convince people that we're good enough for them. That we are meant to be in their lives to help build whatever dreams he has. Because, in our eyes he cannot conquer those dreams on his own. Yet, we are perceived as omens and fidelity, nothing more than sex symbols and a cart to bear the burdens of fallen men.

If God so forsaken us, why allow women to carry man in her womb for nine months and endure the pain of bringing him into the world. Only to be battered and scrutinized for being equal to him-made to feel inferior. And yet, every time forgiveness lies at his feet because the fear of losing his soul to the Creator is unbearable... unimaginable.

If God forsaken women, why allow us the ability to love someone more than ourselves? I am sorry love, I want to change... but it is harder than you think. 

You will go through life expecting someone (anyone) to love on you just as hard as you love on them. You will expect respect and compassion, and some cases intimacy on a level that excludes sex. You will expect this person to worship you -and then he will fall short.  I have a saying that sounds a little like, "give a man two years with you before claiming him as your own." I promise, by the first year you will have realized how the flowers stop coming in. By the year and a half mark, he will leave your messages on read because he will have seen you earlier. Or his schedule was so busy, but he knew you would understand. And if he doesn't argue with you over the tiniest things -consider yourself lucky. By the two year mark, woohoo! You have made it to the end of probation, you will have learned more than you thought. 

It has taken me a while to make this realization. And so it is essential that I share this experience in hopes that you will allow what relationship you have not define you. Someone can knock you down hundredths of times, but it is your choice to rise stronger and healthier than before. Love on yourself for a change, because the only love not worth losing is what love manifests inside of you.

xoxo,
A