A.

For the love of God ! At least try to be greater than your previous self.

A strange thing happened, I almost relapsed into feeling pitiful for myself. But I tricked my mind again, which stopped the emotions from flooding through every portion of my body. I defeated the enemy for now, but it won’t be long before he creeps his way on my doorsteps.

Last night I was tempted to go further in depth about my childhood, until I realized I could only remember the pain. I can’t recall any other times of happiness, and my explanation is that this wonderful brain of mine has created a cleavage. One that has helped me survive whatever hardship it sensed itself going through. Weird, I know. But there are various signs that justify this odd theory of mine. For the past twelve years I have been known to speak in third person when referring to myself, I have been known to exclude family from my life to prevent attachment, I am still known to mask my emotions with: it’s okay. And when I become extremely angered, I can’t control the hands that wish to hurt people. I grew up reenacting films and speaking to imaginary figures until sixteen years old, and quite frankly I often do this when I least expect it. My brain has a sense of humor as well, as he only replays things over that cause me embarrassment. At times, I have the privilege of speaking to his greater half, who informs me that death is more romantic and enjoyable than living.

Although this is normal in terms of things I usually do, a friend of mine said something that struck my core. A! You’re like that girl from rango, you know! The one that spaces out. As if it weren’t enough, Jam persisted to ask whether I had split personality. The answer is no. I am not sick, just a little unusual. I don’t want to be sick. There are people out there with greater problems than this brown girl trying to understand life. But I am more embarrassed to admit that the medication they prescribed as began to have no effect. And when the sun kisses the horizon, and the Earth darkens - I become more anxious as I feel they are watching me.

I am sure I am extremely happy with my present life as I smile often and make amazing connections. I just have a different and emotionless way of showing it. Maybe a slight nod will make the other feel more comfortable rather than my creepy stares.

xoxo,
A.